A contagious, degenerative disorder of the frontal cortex, resulting in the collapse of independent thought. Caused by prolonged exposure to television, hashtags and institutional narratives.

Known carriers include journalists, politicians and anyone that says “trust the experts”.

Symptoms include: outsourced thinking, compulsive obedience, fake virtue, and an obsessive need to fit in with the herd.

It’s the only disease where the sicker you get, the prouder you feel. Stay safe, people. Protect your mind: not with medication but with mockery.